...in religion or to have been a victim of it to think that a joke about terrorizing a child is funny.  I don't get it.  It's like this one:

Poor little Herbie. Since his birth, poor blind Herbie had never seen the light of day. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day would be a very special one. If he prayed extra hard to Jesus, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.

Eagerly, Herbie crouched down on his knees beside his bed and put his hands together. For hours, he prayed and prayed to Jesus.

The next morning Herbie's mother came into his room and gently woke him from his sleep.

"Well Herbie, open your eyes and you'll know that Jesus answered your prayers."

Little Herbie slowly opened his eyes, only to cry out, "Mother! Mother! I STILL CAN'T SEE!"

"I know, dear," said his mother. "APRIL FOOL!"

Well, maybe it helps the victims of religion to see it all as a joke.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

But here's something funny:

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit.
Jehova's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Atheism: No shit.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

I saved the best for last:

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was, "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

by EveningStarNM on 08/08/2009 01:22:10 PM EST