The Young Turks

Faux News (Washington)--In a dramatic statement at the White House today, Presidential Spokesperson Scott McClellan announced that all soldiers imprisioned as a result of incidents at the Abu Ghraib prison were released early Friday morning.

"It may come as a surprise to many of you, but the truth of the matter is that these individuals should never have been subjected to military courtmartial. In fact, these individuals were not US military personnel at all," McClellan said. "They are actually card-carrying members of SAG."

SAG, the Screen Actor's Guild, is a union for actors in the film industry.

Mr. McClellan surrendered the floor to Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, who revealed a bizarre story tying together Abu Ghraib, CIA extraordinary rendition, and (literally) piles of missing money allotted for rebuilding Iraq.

"Let's face it," Rumsfeld began, "I'm a Republican. And being a Republican, since I don't get any at home, I love my porn. And I thought the situation in Iraq set the groundwork for making the best porn ever invented: snuff porn."

Faux News' unbiased expert on snuff porn, Bill O'Reilly, later informed the News Bureau that "snuff porn" is a sub-genre of pornography where one of the participants is tortured and killed during the filming. The other participants in the film receive obvious sexual gratification as the result of the execution. "The best ones involve loofah. Or so I've heard," O'Reilly added.

Rumsfeld went on to state that the piles of missing money, literally large enough to be seen from space via military sattelites, went into the production costs of these films.

"In the old days before the communist unions came into play, snuff porn was cheap. These days, everyone is in a bloody union, so of course production costs go way up. Hell, under new SAG guidelines, even the poor bastard being executed gets a 15 every three hours...even if they're begging for death to end their misery. But I suppose you get what you pay for. I'd have to say that the quality of the films is much better than the ones the Contras made for us in the '80's.

"But Abu Ghraib is so...drab. There's only so many films you can watch in a single location, and frankly, the plot lines were starting to repeat. So we got the CIA on board to find us new and exciting locations in Eastern Europe."

At this point, Rumsfeld's aide whispered into the Secretary's ear, and Rumsfeld excused himself, citing the business of national security. Sources could not immediately confirm that the Secretary's aide was carrying a Netflix package tucked under his arm. Scott McClellan retook the podium to answer questions from the press. He called on Jill Pike, from The Young Turks radio program.

"Thank you, Mr. McClellan, for finally bringing these issues to light. But despite your sudden honesty, isn't it also true that what these people have done, even if they were not US military personnel, is still illegal?"

"We thought about that," McClellan replied, "but the President has solved this problem for us. Having seen some of the films, though angry that he was not kept up to date with each new release, the President realizes that these films are excellent for the morale of the Pentagon and his Cabinet. Although he believes that the making of snuff porn is clearly outlined in the Constitution as being the purview of the executive branch, he has also issued Presidental pardons to those involved to ensure that the films will still be produced."

There was a minor disturbance in the press conference when Jeff Gannon of Talon News, brandishing his new Presidential Medal of Freedom, rushed the podium. He was carried out by security screaming, "You tell that son-of-a-b***h that Grainer should have been ME!"

"Does the Terrorist Snuff Porn Program have any relationship to the disappearance of Natalie Halloway?" BBC correspondant Alex Brody asked.

"We, uh, do not comment on, uh, undergoing investigations."

Scott McClellan quickly drew the press conference to a close with the following statement:

"I know that some people in the country were disgusted with the images that they saw on television regarding this incident. But if you could have seen the unedited raw footage that we did, I'm sure you would be singing a different tune. I sure did."

The cultural arm of the al-Aqsa Martyr's Brigade contributed to this story.