The Young Turks

If you take one of those addiction tests there will always be a question or two on there that if you mark "yes" will automatically make you qualify as needing to "seek assistance". The assistance most often times being a 12-step program. The question I am thinking of is this, "Have friends, family, coworkers, or others mentioned addiction being a problem for you?" I am afraid the answer for all of is a resounding YES!! We hear it all the time in coffee shop conversations. We hear it at the family dinner table. Activists, pundits and even preachers have all said it. Most importantly perhaps is that it has been said to us time and time again by our very own President. We, my fellow Americans are addicted to oil. Hell even Oilmen like Dick Cheney have said it. So we have to mark "yes" in that box and accept that its time to "seek assistance" so lets all admit that we are helpless and plunge into the 12-steps of healing our selves of this addiction to oil.

Step one We must admit that we are powerless over oil and recognize that our lives have become unmanageable.

Well that's not that hard. We have already done that. This is going to be a breeze. Come on 30 day chip Amen renewable energy come smooth this sinners soul

Step two We must come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can return us to sanity.

Ok. Lets all get together hold hands and ask the god of our choice to forgive us and empower us to seek the help we all so desitre. Oh hey wait, where are all the atheists going?? Hey come back aww crap. Wait a minute on second thought, who needs the atheists? They are all driving hybrids any ways ok back to praying "dear father/mother who art in heaven/nirvana/atman/happy hunting grounds/ Shiva/ Allah/ etc etc. blessed be thy…"

Step three- Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him.

All right moving right moving right along. This is looking damn easy. Why did we wait so long to do this. That's just like the last step ok everyone hold hands and all together now "dear father/mother who art in…" been there done that bought the t-shirt now give us our chip!!

Step four- Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Yeah uhh this ones a little tricky. How do we collectivly define morals?? I mean Jimmy Swaggert pat robertson morals or something more along the lines of a PBS documentry kind of morals? Oh well to each his own I think we can all agree that though we are maybe a little imoral perhaps at times even amoral we are the greatest nation and all, others are always much worse than us. So uhh yeah we can be bad because others are, in the words of our president, "badder"

Step five- Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This sounds A lot like steps One and Two. This is getting easy again. 4 ok Everybody back in a circle all together "dear father/mother who art in…" CHip please!

Step six- Be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Uhh DUHHH that's why we are here ok everyone one more time hands together and a one and uh two "dear father who art in…"

what exactly are the 12 steps these are all the same ok well we really are using a lot less fossil fuels and rather than being on the highways in our gas guzzlers we are at these meetings I gotta say though the country has really picked up on its coffee and doughnut consumption and is it just me or are people smoking like its 1953 again? Oh well I guess things are getting better how bout another sobriety chip!!!!

Step seven- Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.

Ok everyone heres another rerun put out your smokes and drop the maple bars and all together "Dear father/mother who art in…"

Step eight- Make a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Yeaaahhhh uhhhh rigghhht? Ok lets try and start from the beginning. "We are really really really really sorry to the people of the following nations "Mexico, Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Venezuela, Afghanistan, Russia, Brazil, Peru, Iran….."

Step nine- Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

OH Jesus this is getting really hard. I think I need a drink or maybe just a very long relaxing ride in my hummer. God damn it America get yourself together!!! We got nine down and just three to go a relapse is the last thing you need so uhh sit down light up a smoke enjoy a cream filled and maybe we should call our sponsor Canada. Ok looks one hell of a road trip pack your bags.

Step ten- Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admit it.

God damn it ok everyone hands together "Dear father/mother who art in…" wow I cant believe we have almost done it. It hasn't been easy and I'm not sure if Iraq will ever help us fufill step nine but god damn it if we haven't come a long way. Everyone take another chip and three cheers for sobriety "hip hip horayyyy hip hip…"

Step eleven- Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understandd Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.

What is with the prayer?? Why again I this called 12 steps cause I only count about 4 different ones here so ok all right we want the help we asked for the help we have submitted to the fact that we are after all helpless so uhh aww man ok ok I'm sorry everyone to have do this to you again but it looks like we are all gonna need to get back in a circle hold hands and uh one and uhh two "dear father/mother who art in…."

Step twelve- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we must try to carry this message to oiloholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Oh my god we are cured!!! Cast aside your crutches rise from those wheel chairs we are CURED!! Seriously what step could be more uniquely American?? We the greatest nation on earth have cured ourselves and it is not just our duty but our divine right to carry to the world this message of freedom from oil and we are called upon to take this message to others across the globe and by god we will do so!! In our fuel cell fighter jets and with our hybrid tanks, with our solar powered infantry and hyrdo navy we shall carry this message across the world the message of IMPERIAL SOBRIETY MUWHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA MWHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA