Its not because its a sexless marriage

Email Print posted by alexh 03/13/2008 05:27:01 PM EST

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You guys have it all wrong. Sometimes Men go to prostitutes because their wife SUCKS at sex in some way. Some women arent great at XYZ sex act, so you get a whore. big deal.


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Its not because its a sexless marriage | 14 comments (14 topical, 0 hidden)
There's much we don't know, . . . (none / 1)
and don't need to know.

We do know Spitzer wanted something a hooker said was not safe. Maybe he was afraid to ask the wife.  Maybe she refused.  Maybe she tried and just couldn't.  Maybe she told him to get it elsewhere.

Maybe we should stop speculating because we don't know, and it's none of our business.

by Dogger on 03/13/2008 06:03:27 PM EST

big deal? (none / 1)
Give his wife a few more strains of HPV or Herpes without her knowledge that you were screwing a hooker?

by acroso on 03/13/2008 06:54:32 PM EST

Jesus! (none / 0)

Even if the wife is plug ugly, hasn't had sex with the guy in 25 years and shreiks at him like a banshee - it DOESN'T justify cheating and lying.

Divorce and THEN fuck to yer heart's content.  Or at least tell her you're going to screw around, and if she still wants to stay married, then fine.

 People have all kinds of ways to justify their own bad behavior.  The most childish way is the "she started it" method.

by blueheartinaredstate on 03/13/2008 09:24:00 PM EST

Of course honesty is preferred! (none / 0)

But that's the problem with cheating: it's dishonest, and it's not going to stop.  The problem, from the victim's perspective, can't be how to change the cheater's behavior.  People will continue cheating on their spouses!  It's what the spouse who was cheated on does after that.

Insist until you're blue in the face that men change their behavior (I'm being one-sided here).  Get as angry as you want to at the injustice of their dishonesty.  Demand honesty from them.  Cry your eyes out or scream and yell and sue the hell out of them in divorce court when they cheat on you -- or forgive them and take them back so they can cheat on you again.  Do any of those things that you want.

But you won't change a damned thing.

If you get cheated on, you have the responsibility for your recovery.  Rape victims face the same problem: just because their rapist goes to prison doesn't mean they'll magically be healed.  They may have to do a lot of personal work in order to recover -- but that work and their recovery is their responsibility.

If people want to maximize their happiness then they must claim their own power and accept responsibility when their plans don't work out the way they intended.  Any time you put your trust in someone else, you're taking a risk.  Don't be afraid of it.  Keep taking risks!  Most of the time things will work out really well.  But if something doesn't work out, cover your ass and move on.  It beats the suicidal or murderous alternatives.

by EveningStarNM on 03/13/2008 10:12:14 PM EST

[ Parent ]
cheating (none / 0)

Cheatin is one thing, and it's going to happen. Screwing prostitutes and giving your wife STD's is another thing entirely.

 

Somehow Magic Johnson managed not to kill his wife...I'm not sure how but he did.

by acroso on 03/13/2008 10:32:24 PM EST

[ Parent ]
True (none / 0)
Although I imagine those $4,000 whores are not quite as dirty as the $40 ones.

You can argue that point, but if you were forced to choose, it wouldn't even be close, would it?  I'm guessing they're screened (which is why they'd be "less dirty"), like the girls at the bunny ranch.

Besides, do you know how common HPV is (since you brought it up)?  Most common STD by far, and most people don't even know what it is. 

I just saw a disturbing study that said one in four TEENAGERS has an STD, with HPV leading the way.  As for adults, I've read that as much as 75% of the sexually active population has been *exposed* to HPV (doesn't mean they have it, although many do).

New research shows that the cancer risk amy also extend to men because of oral sex.  That assumes you get a potential cancer risk increasing strain as opposed to one causing warts.

by ihavenobias on 03/14/2008 01:12:37 PM EST

[ Parent ]
auto asphyxiation? (none / 0)
Maybe he's into choking.  He's got some weird sexual things going on because why would he be so careless to get caught.  You gotta be kind of effed up to rail against an activity that you personally want more than anything.

by schmoab on 03/14/2008 12:37:21 AM EST

Ana is 100% right, 0% wrong (none / 0)
Look, when you're in a good relationship you JUST. DON'T. CHEAT.

It's not some sort of biological imperative.  Relationship chemistry trumps that.  In my first marriage, when I realized I had the capacity to cheat and not get found out, it was the last brick in the wall.  I ended the marriage, because it was just not going to work.  Where I am now, the very idea of having sex with someone besides my wife grosses me out.

I don't understand this viewpoint where guys are slaves to biological impulses left over from herd days.  No.  Just ... no.  

Guys, get with it.  No, the relationship you're in might not be ideal for you.  That's the sign.  You deserve a life partner that fulfills all of your needs.  You deserve that.  You're worth it, man.  Don't settle for less than what you deserve, no matter what the baggage from your upbringing tells you.

This post is the product of an insanely healthy relationship (and marriage) of ten years as of this weekend, and three (and counting) Irish car bombs.  Be well!

"If you're not pumped up, then get the hell out, 'cause you don't belong here." -- Cenk Uygur

by Spinny on 03/15/2008 04:50:22 PM EST

Eh, yes and no (none / 0)
If all men take your advice and try to find a partner for which they NEVER, EVER have the capacity to cheat, even if there's a stunning woman and they think they'd never get caught, they may never be married.

And I'm talking about million and millions of people here.

For the record, I have never had "sexual relations" (I love that phrase, it's so dumb) with another woman while I was in a serious relationship.  And I *think* this will continue. Obviously I get to decide if it will.

With that said, I have two points:

1)-There is no such thing as someone that fulfills ALL of your needs (unless your standards are really, really low). In other words, the idea that there is one, magical partner that is absolutely perfect for you is a fictional creation born of romance novels and lofty imaginations.

There is a spectrum, with some partners unable to fulfill ANY needs, and others being able to fulfill most of them. IMO, everyone has to find someone on the right side of the spectrum, within reason.  People romanticize everything (again, in part because of our pop culture, romantic comedies, etc.), and for this reason, they often end up disappointed at some point.

There's a balancing act being between getting the person you love and deserve to have while also being realistic about things.  You can't depend on ONE person to fulfill EVERY need you have.  That's what friends, family and personal time is for, to fill in those blanks. It's not fair to the other person if you believe otherwise.

Unless someone figures out how to clone themselves mentally, and then just changes a few things around (great, she likes video game football, threesomes, politics, evolutionary psychology, Wild Cherry Pepsi, is an atheist, and on and on and on), it ain't gonna happen.  You gotta find someone who agrees on the *important* stuff, whatever that means *to you*.

2)-Most people are never REALLY tempted.  Being *really* tempted means you're incredibly attracted to this new person AND confident enough in yourself to go for it (how many people let themselves go physically in a relationship? Yes, that matters here) AND thinking you'd never be caught.

Some people will still pass this test but many, many, MANY people will fail it.  They pride themselves on not cheating (hey, I haven't, but I don't pride myself on it) despite never having *really* been tempted.

For the third time I'm going to recommend everyone read Mark Twain's short story, The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg.  Twain kicks ass (for all atheists/agnostics, The Mysterious Stranger is a MUST read), and this story helps explain my position.

PS---Spinny, I'm guessing you agree on their not being a perfect partner out there. I didn't mean to direct all of my comments to you specifically, I was speaking more broadly.

by ihavenobias on 03/15/2008 05:20:16 PM EST

[ Parent ]
I understand your point (none / 0)
I'm trumpeting my good fortune. I have to admit that.

I have opportunities.  I have to admit that, too.  In my old relationship I took advantage of them without a second's thought.  That should have been my wake-up call.

It's hard to put all this into words.  When Ana described her view of a relationship I had to say "Hell Yes!"  In my recent past I didn't have the tools to totally grok what she said (points for understanding grok.  Heinlein is a god).  She impresses Hell out of me every day with how grounded she is.  My oldest daughter is in her age group and (I thank made-up diety) she understands what is important in a relationship.  I don't have every answer but by damn I have seen a lot of the wrong answers and can appreciate the right ones when they jump up and bite me in the ass.

No, nobody is perfect, but I accept and agree with people when they look at what they have and grok what is lacking.  Sometimes you can fix that lack, sometimes it's the definition of what's missing and the road map to what you really need.

Am I making any sense?  I hit the lottery, I found a person I can make a lifetime commitment to, and I really never have looked back since.

One major milestone: my prolific porn links no longer do anything for me.  Ten years of that.  What else can I say except I hit the mother lode?

I just want everyone to share in that.  Is that a bad thing?

Here's my sanctioned smiley:  ;-)

"If you're not pumped up, then get the hell out, 'cause you don't belong here." -- Cenk Uygur

by Spinny on 03/15/2008 06:16:32 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Prolific porn links? (none / 0)
Pm me!

;)

by ihavenobias on 03/15/2008 06:44:36 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Heinlein IS god! (none / 0)

by EveningStarNM on 03/15/2008 11:34:10 PM EST

[ Parent ]
This is why you don't post while toasted (none / 0)
Post toasties.  Heh.

I met my wife at a St. Patrick's Day parade and party at her brother's house, ten years ago.  Since then it's been a tradition to get together, see the parade (which is lame but in a fun way), have a traditional dinner at his house, and toss off some not-so-traditional car bombs.  You can see some of the results, above.  Hope I didn't scare anyone.

"If you're not pumped up, then get the hell out, 'cause you don't belong here." -- Cenk Uygur

by Spinny on 03/16/2008 08:33:06 AM EST

[ Parent ]
My stomach hurts. (none / 0)
"Post toasties"?

There are days when I wish I supported the death penalty.

by EveningStarNM on 03/16/2008 01:08:19 PM EST

[ Parent ]
Its not because its a sexless marriage | 14 comments (14 topical, 0 hidden)
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